pumpkins and painful memories

October reminds me of you.

It was the first time we really kissed,

and it was the last time I would kiss anyone else for a while. 

I've been listening to September by Earth, Wind & Fire

over and over again. (Even thought its October.)

Because September was better.

And these memories,

they weren't constantly on my mind.

I didn't get that that heart wrenching stomach pain right in the middle of my ribcage.

I didn't miss your repetitive compliments that made me uncomfortable.

I didn't miss forcing you to listen to a great song.

I didn't miss fighting with you. 

I didn't miss the way your voice sounded on the phone late at night, when you would call to apologize.

The feelings are inevitable,

and I don't know if its the leaves changing,

or the way my minds racing.

They say theres nothing like your first love.

Who the hell are "they"?

I don't know.

But as much as I hate to admit it, I think "they"might be right.

And maybe October is for the lovers,

or maybe its for the pretenders.

According to Earth Wind & Fire

"love is changing the mind of pretenders."

dammit I know, okay.

I know I'm a pretender.

But I can't help to fill that emptiness.

Because as the leaves fall,

I'm falling too.

And when November comes around,

and the snows starts to fall.

I sure  hope I'm done falling.

Because gravity's toll on me,

It's getting exhausting.

And whatever you do, please...just please,  don't even get me started on December.

how to.

Listen to your favorite song.

Many times. 

Im talking on repeat for hours upon hours. 

Feel sorry for yourself. 

Not for long, 

but right now its good for you because 

you deserve to pity yourself when it seems like

no one else cares. 

Whatever you do, 

don't forget to plaster that ridiculous smile on your face.

That will be key in your journey to being okay. 

Its been said, that after a while you'll start to believe it's real. 

Make sure that the only tears that come are the one's from laughing.

Laugh by yourself, and at things that only make you laugh. 

You're not crazy, just lonely 

and loneliness, 

it's a drug. 

Don't cry, 

Just don't do it. 

But if you must , make sure you're by yourself, 

because people don't care.

Okay that was blunt, but as much as it hurts, its true.  

Distract yourself,

Don't think about the movie you used to watch with him,

or the lies you just told your parents

or the secrets you've kept from her. 

Write a letter, with everything you wish you would've said. 

Think about your favorite words. 

Think about the things you would've said to his face. 

Think about the good times, 

Your favorite memory of your speckled bathroom floor in your first house. 

I should've told you before hand that there is no guarantee that these things make you okay.

 Because who knows, maybe we'll never be anything more than okay. 

a sunday playlist

Oblivion- Indians

Love Like This (acoustic)- Kodaline

Robbers- The 1975

Naive- The kooks

Lets be Still- The Head and the Heart

You Are The Best Thing- Ray LaMontagne

500 miles- Sleeping at Last

West- Sleeping at Last

Slow dancing in a Burning room- John Mayer

Blue Moon- Beck

Comrade- Volcano Choir

We own the Sky- M83

September- Earth, Wind, & Fire

Terrible Love- The National

Sexual Healing- Marvin Gaye( Kygo Remix)

She Moves In Her Own Way- The Kooks

Heart out- The 1975

excelsior.

Silver lining:

Noun.

something that offers hope or benefit in a situation that is generally adverse.

I've  already written about my experience being a tortured teen and a broken hearted high school student. So I thought I would try something positive, something with a silver lining, or at least something different.

It's simple really. 

to the chips in my brick.

Incase these chips feel that they're going un noticed, 

I'd like to make it clear to them that they aren't. 

Here's to the small ones:

The dirty looks from the ex-girl friend, who's topped full of assumptions. 

The opened text messages with no response back. 

The awkward walk (longest route you can find) to third period because second period is too close.

The heartache of seeing someone who was never mine with her. 

The boy who talks about my friend the way I wished he talked about me. 

The bad relationship with my dad.

The person I can't love. 

The 11:11 wishes that never came true. 

The plans that fell through. 

The relationships with friends that somewhere went wrong. 

The sarcastic comments, that I've held on to for far too long. 

(because they really aren't that funny.)

So, to the chips in my brick, You are noticed.

And your "small" chips they're adding up,

 They're  getting larger by the second. 

I'm writing on a Friday.

I'm writing this on a Friday because those bright Friday night lights 
are turning into dim Thursday night lights.

The bleachers are losing voices each quarter, 
and with each 6 points were down by,
there seems to be one less confetti cannon going off. 

What should it matter though. I don't really care about football games,
or high school for that matter.

but...

Maybe a year from today I'll be envying the high school students
and wishing to be back under those lights,
even if they were dim that Thursday night.

Maybe the only dim lights I'll be under, are the ones in libraries,
illuminating down on the books I should be reading,
for test I should be taking.

And maybe

just Maybe.


I'll wish I hadn't taken those sad Thursday lights for granted.

adulthood is calling.

"Honey, grow up." She said to me.

my response,
"No."

Because I refuse to stop making wishes at 11:11,
until the day I die.

And I can't decide if that makes me pathetic or powerful.

Because I hope that my lips will always curl up in half a smile

when i think about kissing. 

And because I want a curfew. 

To feel rebellious when i come home late,

and when I sneak out my sister's vacant room window. 

People have already stopped asking me what I want be when i grow up. 

And I wish they still would.